i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
