I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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