Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
