So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
