ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
