I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
