Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
