If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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