Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
