it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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