Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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