We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
