My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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