the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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