My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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