I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
