I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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