My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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