i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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