someone threw a dead crab at me
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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