Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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