Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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