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I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
