I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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