is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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