I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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