well you can't waste a boner
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
