apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
