Just took my morning after pill in the library
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
