Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
