Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
