he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
