hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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