I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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