Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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