Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
