Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
