two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
