The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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