i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
