Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
