My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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