I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize