i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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