It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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