Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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