Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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