i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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