I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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