and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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