You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
