How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
