I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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