I met the friendliest cop last night
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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