your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
