please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
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No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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