there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
