May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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